…that God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes we doubt God’s choices or his opinion or say in things, and maybe even some days His existence altogether. Truth is, all things work together for the glory of Him. No happening coincidence or total tragedy. Only another time to see God shine through something you never expected to see Him in.

I’m not really sure where I am, which is totally fine! I used to tell myself “oh, I’ll do this” or “I’ll do that” when I have a better grip on things and know where my feet rest. Truth is, I feel as if life is just like a long hallway in a hotel, and along the way are different rooms and behind each door are different things. Different opportunities we receive or miss. New people that we meet, or people from our past. Flooded bathrooms or one made of gold.

Life, I don’t think, ever truly levels out. We just learn how to more calmly react to rooms we reencounter. So I pray that God keeps me in these rooms for as long as it takes.

Like it says in the Psalms, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

I’m back at some doors that haven’t come up in a long time, and that I had assumed were gone forever. This time, I plan on letting them go for good. How? (You may be asking…)

Delighting in the Lord, that’s how. Duh :)

I wonder if I was always this way and just faked it. The fact that so often, here at college, I doubt if people like me, if they want to be friend, if I’ll be alright, in academics, relationships, spirituality, etc etc.

And always thinking that I have to seek out people or I’ll be all alone, even though one of my biggest problems is that it seems I’m never by myself here, so I never do homework at reasonable times.

So today, during a lecture, with a million things on my mind… (not accurate, because our brain can only be thinking about 7-9 things at any given time. Yeah, that’s right. I listen in class when I’m not blogging via iPhone) …at my anxiety peak in Psych, I pray to God, more or less, to take away the feeing of impending doom. The weight upon my shoulders that isn’t necessarily even there.

And you know how I feel now, without even trying or working, besides simply asking God?

…overdosed on joy. I feel like my old self, if I really was this happy.
All I know is, I’m so thankful and so blessed. On this day, God was there. On this day, God answered my cries. On this day, he filled the void with childish joy. On this day, He spoke to me. On this day, I can’t stop smiling.

Cause if I’m not dead, I’m at least going to try living, and God is holding me up so I can. He always will. Just gotta have faith. That’s all.

[My class paper on Worldviews…oh yes]

‘A Worldview’

These questions of “who am I?” and “what do I stand for?” or “what is the point to my life?” never haunted me quite as deeply as they do now. And as to why they seem to haunt me exponentially more than the other people here on campus is still oblivious to me. I see this time, here at a private liberal arts school, as the time not only to define the course of the rest of my life, but also to define me. Grasping that idea in my head and feeling the weight of it upon my heart is a breath-taking punch. But it seems the more I dwell upon it and pray about it, the lighter the load.

If I was asked to define myself, I would say that I am desperately, whole-heartedly seeking a truly deep-rooted, old-fashioned Christian faith. I have before walked with everyone else, not questioning what I do, and only doing what I do for the acceptance of my peers. And now that I have attempted to break free of that, I am lost in a psychological maze. To be accepted, it seems, you must conform, even at the most minute levels. But to conform, even at those levels, most always conflicts with who you are as a Christian. And nowadays, “Christian” lifestyle and secular lifestyle have merged into cultural hybrids, indistinguishable from one another. Christ calls us to our true purpose, of being in the world, but not of it. I am broken and torn between who I should be and how I can reach it.

Asking me where I am is an even more challenging question to answer, but also a relieving at that. To ask me is something not often thoroughly though through and therefore we presume we are more off-track than we actually are. 

Our world is one of community. We are social beings and thrive and grow most together.  Instinctively, we band together with people of like standards and morals, or, where we feel most safe, regardless of morality or ethics. I find myself in a strange limbo here as well. I cannot find a people who stand where I stand, and this often leads to an internal loneliness. In prayer, and solitude, I find my true comfort, but that does not always completely quench my thirst for social companionship. When reading Walsh and Middleton, the part that stuck out to me, as if in bold, was the faith commitment (p. 35). That these certain individuals “who doubt their world view are restless and feel they no ground to stand on. They are often in the throes of a psychological crisis. But that emotional crisis is fundamentally religious because our world view rests on a faith commitment”. Where exactly I plant my feet and how to plant them, without regret nor doubt; that question is at the core of who I am as a currently highly conflicted human being.

God already though, little by little, and I feel it immensely, is developing this platform for me to stand on, that will most definitely be open to His minor alterations, for the rest of my life. So that I may pass it on to whomever I come in contact with or influence, especially my children, and my children’s children. I am nothing special, nor greatly unique, but God is definitely making me into something I never imagined myself to be. And deep-down I know, that where I am now and who I am now, regardless of how much it hurts, tortures, and agonizes me, is exactly where I am supposed to be. Because in my mind, from the way I see it, it is so much easier for God to mold me and form me completely, if I am openly admitting that I am and have been broken for a long, long time, and I am absolutely done running with the rest of the pack.

Tonight, on my late-night, adventurous, automobile trek back to the establishment created to direct the course of the rest of my life (maybe that’s a little too much for an introduction)…
I got a chance to talk to Grandpa about  one of the things he thinks, in all his wisdom, is an invaluable, core piece to one’s life; a part of life that is constantly on my mind: finding a companion.

My Grandpa says that when he and my Grandma first met, on their blind date, that he immediately was caught off guard. Something felt different. And all the way until they decided to get married, they only saw each other in person 5 or 6 times, only communicating through letters and the occasional phone call, and finally getting married after two years of that.

I think there’s one thing that I envy in that kind of a love story, that I always wish I could have found and always knew so many parents never did.

A calm.

A significant other that is my home away from home. That understands and soothes the chaos of who I am and what I deal with, inside and out. That’s real with me, and is “woo’ed” by just me just being me. That way, when I actually do try, she won’t even know what’s going on.

My family calls me the mediator because I always strive so stinking hard back home to ease any tension and settle any and all arguments.

All I’d like is a teammate for the rest of my life, & I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. Not that I’m asking for it to happen now and any time too soon from now, because I’m definitely not ready. The good thing is though, with the amount of waiting I’ll be doing while I’m trying to find God and myself, my patience will be ripped when I’ve found her.

Blakester!!! (Taken with instagram)

Daddio :) (Taken with instagram)

…today a friend told me that the key to making true friends is by building, little by little.

I better get used to a hammer and nail…

You know, there’s something so weird that hits you when singing worship songs that you’ve sang hundreds, if not THOUSANDS of times…

That after you feel like you’ve went through one of the most trying, testing, agonizing, horribly difficult times of your life, in the pursuit of happiness and balance, after being out of whack for so long, you find that the words to all these songs you’ve known and sang for so long, all of a sudden…CHANGE.

The song means something so much more, each word reminding you of another moment where God was faithful and each word reverberating at your very core, further evolving forward your understanding of who and what God is.

And I’m not completely sure I ever felt worship like I did today…why don’t we always?

…how many of us religion majors actually want what we’re learning.
Like, is this just an act? Or is this something more to some of them? So many of us act like it’s just history and definitely don’t act like it’s our heritage or that it really matters.
I’m not calling myself “holier than thou” or anything even close to that.
But I know that if I stick to this religion major, I’m not going to fake it. If I am going to go into Theological Ministry, I’m going to be honest and real, to truly help people.

I’m either doing it for real or not at all.

Because when I’m looking back at my life when I die, the very last thing that I want is to regret the road I chose.

…,nor arranged by our own expectations and wants.

Last weekend, someone asked me that if I died, did I know 100% that I was going to heaven?
The high-schoolers surrounding me, with ease, said that they were completely sure. No doubt in their minds. Smiles all around.
And amidst all the happiness and joy of declaring such things, stood me, the religion major. One who was struggling with being away from home, seemingly unending anxiety, trusting Him with my future, and lastly being content in nothing but Him.
So with a smile on my face, I said to the group “I honestly don’t know”.

The group took me into the other, trying to evaluate what was my problem, and said that TODAY, we mark my brand new day.
But truthfully, I felt exactly the same.

But today I woke up the same way I have been for the past week or so…praying relentlessly that God would take away such pains.

And today, I do as Paul said: Stop worrying and conplaining and being full of fear. Dance, smile, laugh, giggle, hug, jump, praise, all without a care in the world, in all you do…rejoice.

Rejoice always.